Deep in my heart I don’t believe there’s a soul on this earth I genuinely hate. There are plenty of people who frustrate or infuriate me, but I genuinely can’t think of a person I hate. My heart is too full to hate. It’s full of all the things I am blessed with, the people I love, and more gratitude than I can start to express. It might feel full, but it seems there’s always room for one more. It’s like a clown car….just when you think it’s full, you’re wrong.
My head is quite different. My head is full of the logic, sarcasm, and snark. In my head I know I am capable. In my head I know I can read the owners manual, use the tools, and learn what I need to do. My head filters all the disgust, hostility, and anger in my little world. In my head I think the things I don’t allow my heart to harbor, because things live in your heart forever, and fly in and out of your head…except some of the more troublesome things that bubble up from that place in between your head and heart….your pride.
Between your head and your heart lives the pride. Sometimes it’s that outward pressure of full pride. Sometimes it’s a void where some pride should be. It’s the voice that tells you that you either are or are not good enough. That you are or are not smart enough. That you are or are not worthy enough. It’s the voice that you either speak too loudly or hold in silence – when often you should do the opposite. In either case it can get the better of you. A healthy amount of pride means you care enough about yourself to have dignity and self respect. Too much pride is the splinter that festers to a boil. It becomes toxic to everything around it and usually bursts in a very unpleasant and humbling way.
As I write, I am experiencing some elements of each of these. My heart is full of gratitude for the experiences that brought me to this point, and the opportunities that are ahead of me. My head is reminding me how far I have to go, and how much I have to learn. My head frequently overrides my heart. Right in the middle….my pride knows I was good enough to be chosen, but waivers on whether or not I can keep up. It is a sort of tight rope walk between emotion and logic, reality and feeling. I must remind myself almost hourly of the checks and balances between where I feel like I am in my growth, where I really am in my growth, and where I am growing. Change is tough. New jobs are tough. Balancing the head/heart tightrope can’t be done without constant testing of your pride. Chin up and one foot in front of the other.